When someone I care about is having a hard time, I immediately want to do something. And then I sit there and have no idea what. Flowers? Too cheerful. A book? Who reads a book when they can barely get out of bed. And I would never text anyone "chin up".
I know the other side too. I had years when I was in a really bad place. And when I look back today, it's not the big gestures that stayed with me. What stayed were the people who were simply there, without me having to explain anything or get anything done.
So here are a few things I've learned. Not a guide, just my own experience.
Give something that doesn't ask anything of them
When you're struggling, anything that sounds like a task is too much. A book about happiness, a yoga class, a "why don't you try …". I was never happy about things like that. They made me feel worse, because now there was one more thing I wasn't managing.
Better is something that can simply be there. A candle, for example. You can light it, but you don't have to. For me, it was often exactly that kind of small light in the evening that made the room a little warmer.
The card matters more than the gift
Honestly, I've kept some cards for years. They don't need to be long. Sentences that did me good:
- "I'm thinking of you."
- "You don't have to reply."
- "I'm here. Even if you don't feel like talking right now."
What I'd rather leave out: "It'll be fine", "Others have it worse" or "Just think positive". All kindly meant, I know. But it feels like you have to pull yourself together so the other person feels better.
By the way, I made our "DO NOT GIVE UP" cards for exactly this. There's space on the back for your own words.
Something for the senses
When my head was too full, thinking didn't help. What helped was something simple: a warm cup of tea in my hands, a scent I like, a soft jumper. It doesn't make anything go away. But for a few minutes I was more with myself and less in my thoughts.
Something to write in, if they like writing
Writing things down helped me a lot, which is why the Mood Journal exists. But not everyone likes writing, and that's completely fine. If you know someone enjoys putting their thoughts on paper, it can be a lovely gift. If not, better skip it.
And the most important thing costs nothing
Time. A walk where nobody has to talk. A coffee. And above all: keep showing up. A message a week later that simply asks how today is going. Most people get in touch at the start and then not again. The ones who check in a second and third time are the ones you never forget.
If you're worried
A gift doesn't replace help, not even one from us. If you feel that someone doesn't know how to go on, talk to them about it. Asking directly doesn't make it worse, quite the opposite. And get support: in Austria, the Telefonseelsorge is available around the clock on 142, in Germany on 0800 111 0 111, in Switzerland Die Dargebotene Hand on 143. In an emergency, call 112.
Max